Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Whats sticking me

Like I said early I haven't been in the best of moods the past couple days. This is a "pissy" rant and you can skip it if you like. Im just trying to sort through my head and once I get it out I know I will be better off.

The combination of Winter blahs and stress sometimes puts me in a fair downer. Sometimes its just the fact that I realize I am not doing things that I need to do (I'm talking about myself, not chores). I have great intentions; actually, the best intentions and I even plot out and plan and stuff and the next thing I know...nothing happens. I, for whatever reason, don't follow through. Or I say, I'll do it later, I'll make it up somtime, etc and eventually forget that I even had a plan. Until it hits me like a slap in my face. Then I get moody and grumpy, very down on myself and the world goes to pot. So thats been the last week or so.

So let me get to the point and quit being so flowery. I posted the other day about my T-shirt adventure. I had a great time, still love my shirt. What I really hate is the picture of me that was taken showing off the shirt....to save you from flipping back here's the pic.
At first I didn't notice it, I think I was still in the euphoria of t-shirt creation. Then I actually went back over posts and was like, "Ah hell what was I thinking posting that pic?! " I look horrific, to myself, and it was a reminder.

I wasn't always this big. Before this system of mine went wacky I was 160 and a size 13/14, not bad for my 5 foot 9inch frame. That was back in 1998. In a little over a year and a half I was up to 276 and a size 22. It was miserable to be me then. I was miserable and at the time no once could figure out what was going on. Then thanks to a magazine article my mom spotted and a lot of bloodwork and ultrasounds later we finally got a diagnosis. Polycycstic Ovarian Syndrome. So I learned about my new enemy, what it could and would do if left unchecked and what I could do to fight back. Problem is is that my counter attack has been pretty half assed. PCOS helped pack the pounds on, but my lack of will power to stick with my plans has led me to only knock 36 pounds off in the past 4 or 5 years since my diagnosis. Basically the fat picture is my own damn fault.

So right now I'm in that "what am I going to do now" mode. The two things I know I have to do is the exercise and diet change. I know what medicines Im suppose to take, though I loathe the Metformin as it is NOT kind to me. I am not diabetic.....yet. Actually my blood sugars are normal...its my insulin level thats high, like 3 times higher than most people. The high insulin sets off a chain reaction of endocrine/horomone problems. Metformin helps me utilize it the right way. Then eventually (in theory) I can get my metabolism and endocrines to work normal again as long as I watch what I put into my system. I would think that my abhorration of needles would be enough but here I am, not doing right by myself.

Taking care of myself is the greenest thing I can do. Eating better with less refined carbs and all the other junk that modern day eating entails will be better for me. But I have to get rid of as much of that junk as I can. Easier said than done as I do live with the Teen, who is whiny and myself, who can be uber lazy (especially in the cooking department) So we'll see. I'll plan, buy and prepare, adapt and overcome..... hopefully.


The Unusually Unusual Farmchick said...

Chin up and keep the blog going. It will help keep you motivated to your goal. Nothing can change over night. Baby steps help make the long term goal easier.

Catherine said...

Oh, Stephanie, I know what you're going through. I got the same diagnosis last year, and just like you, my weight just keeps going up-up-up. Only, my Dr. is hopeless when it comes to treating it. The more I read about it, the more a cleansing fast makes sense, but I just don't have the reserve will-power for that yet. I'll hold you in the light, that your hormones, etc all balance out right.