Monday (Yesterday) marks the beginning of the countdown to my birthday, I am turning 36. It's weighing heavy on me, snicker if you will, call me a pup if you want but no matter what it is still a valid emotion for me to have. It's been a rough couple days. This last Thursday I had to go to the doctor. My migraines were increasing and my anxiety and panic attacks were spiraling out of control. There is no shame is saying "I need help" We went over the data at the doctors office. My blood pressure only goes up when Im at work or trying to deal with my anxiety. We talked about the stress and anxiety levels and how it was affecting me. We went over the facts, my job is killing me. Im chained 10 hours a day to a desk. I am only allowed to get up to go to the bathroom and for lunch. I am not allowed to even get up to go to the printer, fax or label maker. I can stand up and do some stretches but I need to be able to move and you cant move in my cubicle. That's the tip of the iceberg. She took me off the blood pressure medication and put me on anti-anxiety medication and gave me a script for migraine medication. I am trying to get another job. So far no call backs. Im on the lowest dosage and its only as needed not a daily thing..then she dropped a bomb. Im now considered diabetic. As she put it, Im barely diabetic but Im past the line so it's official.
The doctor is confident that if I can lose 15 or 20 lbs that it will reverse itself. I've lost 6 since the previous time I had to go to the doctor. I now have to do glucose checks twice a day before I eat for the next month. I am NOT on insulin. We've been trying to eat better but now it's more crucial. Im supposed to get 30-45 minutes of exercise every day. That is one of my biggest problems though. My schedule is so wonky. Eating smaller meals more frequently throughout the day is not possible, Im on the phone constantly and cant take myself off the phone to eat, I'd get in trouble. Also, said schedule is not conducive to me going walking. Im a zombie in the mornings, Im functional enough to make sure I have good choices for breakfast and lunch and then auto pilot to work. Walking at night in De Soto alone tonight proved that this town has a high ratio of jackasses. I can't do stuff in the house after work, bouncing around makes doors rattle and wakes people up. I cant afford a gym membership...yet.
On my days off life is easier, I can cook awesome meals and get moving. So I started doing what I could. Friday I did errands and a walked a bit, grocery shopped for good food. Saturday was Farmers Market and Co-op with Brenna and Sunday I went hiking with friends to Garden of the Gods then over to Cave in Rock. I get more exercise on my days off then any other time but it isn't enough. I am frustrated but hopeful. I have the support of my friends. I have banned soda from my life. I am trying to get new recipes..that dont taste like cardboard..to implement. All the things are in a sharper focus and I'm trying not to feel like a failure. As for the anti anxiety meds..I could kick myself for not getting on it sooner. I've only taken a few doses, none needed when Im not at work. It doesnt make me dopey or zombie like. I just dont have that "jaw clenching, heart racing, the world is going to explode and everything is going to go wrong" feeling constantly going on. I feel like I can breathe and I can cope and it doesnt make me feel all warm and fuzzy either. I was scared it would. I dont want a pill for that. I want my life to give me the warm fuzzies.
So here is to getting back on track!