Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Motherhood envy

In my most beautiful, most heartbreaking dreams I have a gaggle of children who call me Mom. I help with homework, I take them to the forest to hike, I sew them SCA garb. I get into fights with them, Im exhausted by them. I both love and bitterly hate these dreams. I turn 36 soon and have no children of my own, and it is not something that I've chosen for myself. Mother's Day is approaching quickly and it fills me with sadness and reminds me there is a part of my heart that still isnt filled. Like every year, I will call my own mom and wish her a happy day and tell her I love her and then I throw myself into something, anything that will take my mind off it. I do not go out in public because it never fails that some person wishes me a Happy Mother's Day or asks me what my kids have done for me. Truthful responses always leave the questioner feeling awkward and, if Im lucky, they accept it and dont ask anything else. Im not always lucky.

Tonight, the poor guy at the grocery store said it and I put a smile on my face and laughed it off in a socially acceptable way. That smile stayed plastered on my face until I sat down in the car and then I bawled. It wasn't anyone's fault, he was trying to be nice. It isnt my fault, I didn't ask to have PCOS which comes with a slew of problems with fertility. I just lost the genetic lottery. Sometimes life is horribly unfair.

It does not help that people, well meaning as they are, will say things that are a slap in the face.
"Just go out there and get pregnant, women do it all the time!"

"Oh be glad you dont have kids, think of all the freedom you have!!"

"You want kids? I will let you have mine for an hour and that will change your mind!"

"You can come borrow mine anytime you want"

"You have plenty of time left to have children, plenty of people are not having them until 40 or later"

Please, for the love of the Gods, if you have a friend who suffers from fertility problems DO NOT say these phrases to them. We know you mean well but it doesn't make us feel better, most times it makes it worse. My responses are as follows: What in THE hell are you smoking?? Yes Im aware girls go and get pregnant. My goal is a family, not just a pregnancy...besides, in this day and age of STDs that is just insane...Yes, Im aware how life changes after you have kids. NO your kids arent going to change my mind about wanting to be a mother.  Borrowing kids is not the same and we both know it, and finally, yes, people are having kids later in life, like wealthy professionals, rockstars and actresses (do you see a pattern here?) you also run the higher risks of things going wrong the older you get. I do not have the luxury of money for expensive fertility treatments or for adopting children from foreign countries. So no, I do not have plenty of time..and I have a lot of obstacles still.  Soon I am going to have to make the decision of whether or not to do this on my own but that is a whole other story.

End of rant.


Pooka and Mommy said...


Stellaria said...

*big tight hugs* I can't say I understand, but I can say that I know how it feels to be dealt circumstances that are both out of your control and leave a huge hole in your heart. It's not fair, it hurts like hell, and some days it *is* the best route to just hide from it for a bit.
Much love to you.