Monday, May 4, 2015

April was a disaster

April was so full of promise, I was getting ready to pay off bills, some of them 2 years ahead of time. I was gearing up for the garden, I was looking happily at the future and with hope. Then on the 14th this happened:

A 16 year old ran an stop sign and totalled my car.

Tomorrow will mark 3 weeks since my accident, the bruises are gone. I have a screwed up right shoulder and have to go to PT twice a week for most of May. Right now I am in Michigan visiting friends and trying not to be frustrated. I've been frustrated and angry since the wreck. All my plans have had to be altered. But this trip was not going to be one of them. I borrowed the boyfriend's car and went. This kid has wrecked more than just my car. Things I worked so hard for and towards. One of my best friends and I had put a lot of time into this car, She was a great car and would easily lasted another 100,000 miles. I cant work in my garden, which was set to help offset the burden of my not working. Yeah Im still on my severance package but that runs out in August, I'm still going back to school and I still have 6 months of unemployment to tap but I was saving that for the first semester of school.

I need to find a new car. I was still paying on her as she was part of my bankruptcy repayment. I was THIS  close to paying it off 2 years ahead of time. Seriously, the check was scheduled to clear into my account on the 17th and he hit me the 14th. So now that is all up in the air. It will all work out, just not as I planned. Deep down somewhere I know this but when I cant even pick up a goddamn laundry basket with both hands, or a heavy purse with my right arm it's extremely hard to remember this. My  anxiety and panic attacks have flared back up, especially when I am a passenger in the car now. Im tired of having to make sure my pain meds and anti anxiety meds are always on me.

So now it's May, the hardest month in my life anymore. Mother's Day and my 37th birthday are quickly coming. Anyone who's paid attention to my blog know I struggle through this, I feel no need to hash it out again. I pray to the Gods to help me as I heal, to give me strength to aid me in my perseverance and to help me become useful again. In this moment I feel so utterly useless, weak and unworthy.