January's chill

January was a hard month. It was full of stress, worry and death. The first week of January was filled with migraines and the polar vortex.Then, because a selfish man I didn't even know was a control freak, I almost lost a good friend. She, unfortunately, lost her good friend to said asshole. She is recovering slowly and I thank the Gods and pray that they lend her strength as her body heals. He was found dead I later found out. I spent a weekend in Lexington with her but felt pulled to come back home abruptly. We left Lexington that Sunday at 2am, got home at 7am got unpacked and went to bed. I got a call from my mother just after 8am telling me my grandmother had passed away. The rest of the weeks that belonged to January were a blur. We laid my grandmother to rest and that same day my great aunt died and my cat tried to explode (abscess ruptured) I bounced back and forth to Decatur a few times. Made an SCA event and then was massively sick and missed a week of work.  Between migraines, sickness and funeral days I worked maybe a total of 5 days in January. I have used up all my personal and sick time for the year. I didn't get paid for one week because my Human Resources person is an idiot. Yeah, January was not good.

Since her passing I have been struggling with people giving me their condolences on my grandmother. We did not have a good relationship and that's putting it mildly. She lived just down the street from me until I moved out when I was 19. She was verbally abusive and mean to me for most of my childhood and adolescent years. Nothing I ever did was right, I was just like my father (my dad was from the wrong side of the tracks), I was fat (which is funny, I didn't actually get fat until mid 20s), I strange, etc. Once, when I was 8, my mother sent me down to her to see if she would want to donate money for a Jump for Heart fundraiser my school was doing. I had been avoiding doing it and mom couldn't understand why. I went down there and my grandmother wrote out a check laid it on the table and told me "I knew you'd only come down here for money" I looked at her, looked at the check and walked out the door without it. I had tears running down an angry face when I got home. I told my mother what happened and I told her I would never willingly go down there again. My mother was appalled but after that never asked me to go down there unless it was a holiday when all the family gathered there.

As I got older I had tried to avoid her as much as possible. I was polite and thankful to her for any gifts I received from her, I did my best to be respectful because she was my mom's mother and I was taught to respect my elders. But respect is not love and that was something I never felt from her either. The last straw was when I was 17. My best friends had come to help me with my hair and makeup for pictures and we wanted to go show my mom. She and my other aunts were all down having coffee with grandmother so we all went down.  My mom and aunts loved it, without batting an eye she looked at me and told me I looked like a tacky hussy. My friends were shocked, I was hurt. My gloves came off and I asked her why she always had to be a bitch to me. When she turned to my mother to ask what she was going to do about it, my mother had my back and stood up for me. I was done being polite and respectful to a woman who was bitter and hurtful. I would no longer take any crap from her. When I moved out I rarely saw her except for those family holidays.  She mentioned a few times she wanted to visit but I had cats and that aggravated her breathing problems. I never outright invited her.

I understood to a point that part of her was very damaged. She lost my Grandpa to cancer when I was around 3. I have few memories of him but they are good and the feeling of love from those memories is very strong. I remember that one day he wasn't there anymore and the feeling that emptiness that accompanied it. She had lost a grandson a year or so before that. I don't have many memories of her that early other than being fascinated with her rugs in the kitchen and always being in her way. She came from a farming family, which can be rough. But there was stuff before that. For whatever reason my grandmother had chosen Cindy and Scott as her favorites, mom and Aunt Sandy got picked at constantly and had been were defended by Grandpa. The favoritism passed down to the grandchildren it seemed. My brother was spared some of the disdain as he looked "like a Curtis" I also suspect being a boy had helped also.

My grandmother was severely Catholic. In church every Sunday, wanted all of us confirmed... Catholic. She was openly and loudly disappointed when I quit CCD classes after my first communion. She was convinced that I was in a cult when I came out as a Pagan when I was 21.  I point blank asked her if anyone had ever been able to get me to do something I didn't want to do. She didn't question my faith after that. As Catholic as she was, as most as my family was, they had a weird penchant for going to have their cards or tea leaves read and the entire family has seen ghosts and had premonitions. (maybe the Irish/Scots/Welsh poking through) When she found out I was starting to learn tarot she and my aunts had me do readings. I did her cards last. When I read her cards and it left her in tears. Nothing I had said was mean or hurtful but I had hit too close for comfort. It was the last time I ever read cards. While I felt she hated me most days I never wanted to harm or hurt her in any way. Seeing her cry made me sick to my stomach. I didn't want to ever do it again.

When I divorced Ryan she was stoic, if she disapproved she didn't mention it. I wasn't around much either to hear anything. I had just started dating Bill when my Uncle Scott was killed. He came up for a week to take care of me while I took care of them. It was a mess. I told him before even going in that if grandmother got pissy and out of line with him for no reason he could dish it right back, and he did. She looked at and treated him differently after that. I think she liked him because of it.  In my early 30s she started treating me differently. To tell you the truth it drove me insane. She asked more questions about my life in general and would hug me and tell me how much she loved me. I didn't believe a word of it, I couldn't stand her to touch me. I kept my answers PC. I did not tell her I was bisexual, and I most certainly did not tell her I was in a triad relationship with my husband and our girlfriend, though my mom knew. When Bill and I split she said she was sorry to see him go, she had hoped he would have changed his mind about having children with me since he had kids with his previous wives. Aloof was all I could muster. I knew her health had been declining, I knew she would suffer and I hated the thought of what that would do to my mom and Aunt Sandy who still lived in town. Cindy and her kids had long ago moved to Virginia, Scott's girls were off living their own lives far away with children who needed them, my brother was bouncing around in different states and I was living in southern Illinois,. I saw her as a bitter woman and pitiful.  I swore I would never be like her, she was the perfect example to me of how not to be.

Now she is gone and I still deal with her. I deal with people and family giving me condolences and telling me "your grandmother loved you".  It makes me angry. It makes me want to yell back at them all the cruel and hurtful things she ever said to me. That is not love. You do not take out your bitterness and resentment on how your life has turned out on a child. That is not love. Hearing it is a constant slap in the face. My mother has never tried to force that lie upon me, not once. She bears her own burden. She loved her mother but hated her also and as the oldest was the one who helped take care of her and was there with her when she died. I am lucky to have a wonderful mother, and while Josh and I were treated differently we were equally loved.  Going through her stuff  my mom and aunts have allowed me to have her old canning and homesteading utensils. I had often asked my grandmother when I was younger to teach me how to do it but she refused. I gave up in my early teens. They decided that I should be given her wedding dress to make into something else. I opened the box and it smells like her, I had to put it in the craft room. My friends will help me deal with dismantling a dress that was made originally in 1950.

I shouldnt complain. My family has more to cause to complain than I do.  My Aunt Sandy is giving up her home to move into the home she grew up in as a kid so that it won't be sold to someone who may sell it to a developer, the fields I grew up in are now urbanized, they are the last neighborhood in between all of it. There is so much history the family cannot let it go. They are planning to put in gardens and fruit trees like my grandpa had when he was still alive. Things she had no use for after he passed and did away with. Things I had been so interested in, part of me is angry that there is so much information lost now. She came from a farming family and seemed bound and determined to leave it all behind. When I told her my plans for urban homesteading and dreams of a smallholding she told me I was being stupid. Now I'm going to be re-establishing what she had let go.

I realize the fine line I am walking. This anger is not something I want hanging around my heart. I need to be vigilant that it doesn't make me bitter also, it's ok to be angry and upset but I cannot allow myself to become bitter. While there is no love there is grief at loss of an opportunity. The opportunity of her getting to know someone who is a good person, someone who she could have bonded with and shared history with, someone who could have loved her so much if she had not thoroughly poisoned it with her words and deed.

New year started over on the new blog http://heatheninthewoods.blogspot.com/ Please stop over there and say hello.

Mental survival during this winter storm

I was asked by someone what do I do mentally to survive through this current cold weather. There has been a couple things that have helped.  Listening to music, browsing seed catalogs, reading other blogs,a good cup of tea.. these all help me to tolerate being cooped up with Jack Frost nipping at my toes and nose. I reorganized my room, I cleaned. Cleaning is therapeutic for me, bringing order to chaos (even if it's just the kitchen or bedroom) Your environment influences you and I have found I sleep better in a straightened up room. If I have music on I tend to be in a better mood, yes even when I listen to metal! I remind myself that a harsh winter kills bugs and grubs, I remind myself that the thaw will come. I plot and I plan. I think of wonderful blossoms and canning and dehydrating, I picture Sister Zim and the baby, Brenna and I in the garden. I picture my niece Pookah coercing her mother into buying yet another plant for her garden.

Sometimes I still get grumpy, and then I feel guilty. We have been lucky here in De Soto. We did not lose power and it seems to be getting warmer finally, we got up to 21F today I think. Looking at posts on facebook I see many of my friends are not as lucky, lots of posts about frozen and burst pipes, some without power and hammered with more snow than us.  I woke up to a migraine so I called in to work. I didn't get out of bed until almost 4pm. All in all it was 4 days housebound. Walley went in to work so I knew that I could get out and I did for an hour or so. I was beyond irritable and I also wanted to pick up some stuff for Brandon and the roommates. A few of them have the sniffles, Brandon may have a kidney stone on the move. I went to the Co-Op and got him pure cranberry juice, the rest a lemon ginger echinacea drink and some lavender flowers for me to put into a tea for myself. The fresh air did me good as well as the change of scenery. Tomorrow I go back to work and  then get ready for for the Barony of Shattered Crystal's 12th Night potluck. It will be a day of good fun that Im looking forward to immensely.

January musings aka Happy New Year!

So happy new year folks!!! I write to you as we wait for the first Winter storm of 2014 to roll in.  I hope everyone's staying warm! We have plenty of milk and tp ;) No need for us to panic.. We've had plenty before the storm warning.

A lot of things have been going on here. Brandon had moved in from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania over thanksgiving weekend and I'm and getting use to having him in the house 24/7. It's strange sometimes having him here but I'm slowly getting use to it. He has taken over the cooking for the most part which has been a great help. He had gone with me to my nutritionist appointment so he is on board with how I should be eating.  It has helped us save money which is always a great thing. He is still looking for a job here so every bit helps. He likes to make things from scratch which makes me happy. I'm introducing him to vegetables,  something he is not use to. He really hated most vegetables but is coming around.  

I am gearing up for the planning next year's garden with him in mind.  Brenna did most of the garden this year, something I have to make sure doesn't happen this year. My schedule was so wonky and Sister Zim was too busy with the baby to help but this year should be different.

 What kind of projects hold you over till it's time for seed starting? 

As I mentioned previously, I work odd hours. I work 10 hour shifts as a customer service rep. Im on the phone for 10 hrs a day. The job sucks, it was not my original job but my department got shuttered and we all got transferred to CS. But it pays ok, I have benefits and...I have 3 day weekends. Even on my most trying of days, and there is a lot more of them now, I am thankful I have a job. Sometimes I hate myself for it too. If I had been smarter in my youth, hell, if I had been smarter 5 years ago. I could have saved myself a lot of pain and worry. I could walk away from a job that destroys me in a thousand tiny ways. But I wasn't and all I can do is deal with consequences of my choices and make better ones, working my way through all of it. But I digress...

Back to my point, I have 3 day weekends. These weekends are usually filled with 1 day of cleaning, running errands and other things I couldn't do because of my schedule and 2 days of play. My weekends are usually my "social days" as well and 7 times out of 10 Im on the road to somewhere. Friday I left the sanctuary of my bed and began running the gamut of doing laundry, shopping and then coming home to finish the last bit of sewing an outfit for an SCA event, the Barony of Shattered Crystal's 30th annual Crystal Ball.  I was beyond excited, I love this event.

The event totally kicked my butt, I came home yesterday exhausted but happy. I will post pics soon. Monday has really sucked and I want to calm down before I post again.

Having an odd schedule gives you cool things to do late at night

Because dyeing your underdress is best done just after midnight in a bucket in the kitchen.. just a teaser of what I'm currently working on.

And rinsing it out in the bathtub really sucks, Im still without a washer and the laundromat is closed this late. 

It's almost 4am now. I should have been in bed 2 hours ago but got sucked into the computer trying to catch up.  I will be getting up early running to do regular laundry and throwing this into its own machine to finish and we will see how she looks when dry.

November Rain

Ahhh October, you use to be my favorite month. Not so much anymore though. So glad you are over.  Let's catch everyone up.  There are 23 days until I fly out to Pittsburgh to see Brandon and his family and then we drive back to Illinois together. Brandon totalled his car the Tuesday before Halloween. He is fine, it was not his fault and so he is in the process of getting a new vehicle, no pressure, really! Work is trying to interfere with my plans for this...

Work, well let us just go with I need to find a new job. The stress from it has been taking its toll for sometime and my body succumbed to major illness a few weeks after my last post. Missed two days and the 3 days I had off after those were filled with sleep, water and antibiotics and a brief stint of steroids (confirmation that I should NOT take Prednisone) which hurt my bank account. I feel much improved though now and somewhat validated. Because I was so sick I had to follow up with a primary physician. The one I had previously had left town (no surprise to me, I hated her) and I had to be set up with a new one. The new doctor zeroed in on my weight soon as she sat down, to hell with the fact that I had just been really sick. She tried to tell me how unhealthy I was and I geared up for a fight and she saw it. I took all her tests..all fine, CBC, A1C, CMP, Thyroid, Cholesterol...all really good.  If had been eating total garbage it would reflect in those tests. Still, I'm not saying I'm healthy, I KNOW work needs to be done. I do have high blood pressure, I'm pretty sure if she'd been smart and tested my insulin level or my testosterone level there would be an issue. She started in on calorie counts, I countered with carb counts since I have poly-cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS for short). Then we watched each other gear up for a battle..She told me she wanted me to see a nutritionist, I told her I'd only do it if the woman tailored her plan for me with my PCOS. We left it at that..my appointment is on the 13th. She told me I needed to reduce my stress, I about fell out of my chair laughing and explained my job. She told me to find a new job..I told her I was working on it. Told me I should get a gym membership, I told her if she wants to pay for that's fine by me. We are either going to hate each other or like each other, not sure which yet.

SCA stuff is slow going still within the group but our parent barony, Barony of Shattered Crystal, is holding Crystal Ball this coming weekend. I am EXTREMELY excited about this and hope to get lots of pics.

So what are my current plans?

• Get acclimated to having someone else living and sleeping in my room besides me and the kitties..
• Work on SCA crafts, I am in love with tablet/card weaving, but I need a loom, I cannot do the back strap method and the weird rigging I had set up keeps getting destroyed by cats who are jerks. I also like silk painting. I have one frame to do scarves, need to ask Awesome Roommate Walley to build me 2 more for different sized square banners. Then there is the whole sewing things. Pics when I'm finished.
• Read more about Asatru, I'm so behind on all the reading I want to do, part of the problem is I cant take Sister Zim's copies out of her house and my schedule just doesnt allow me to be out as much, and when I am out there I want to spend time with her and the baby.
• Work on becoming healthier..its more than just work on losing weight. The spike in anxiety and panic attacks is unacceptable. The migraines are increasing. I really want to get a punch card for the community pool..what's stopping me?? Money.
• Some weekend coming up when I'm home I will need to go into the backyard and see what all needs done..Sigh. Then I get to start planning for next year's garden!!

So tell me, what are your winter plans?