So yes, I know I have been away for a bit. Life has been crazy and I just hadnt taken the time to sit down and write about it. So let's bring everyone up to speed. Through October to New Years
Broke up with boyfriend, got back with boyfriend though he was no longer living with me when we got back together.
Got taken to the ballet which was wonderful.
Later that night while we slept, people entered our house (front door had not latched properly and had come open during the night) and stole stuff of me and awesome roomie Walley, not a lot of stuff but expensive stuff and my wallet. Nothing has been recovered as of this date.
Boyfriend moved back in earlier than planned due to the burglary.
Celebrated Christmas with family and New Years with friends. In the grand tradition I got massively sick with a respiratory illness that knocked me on my ass for almost a week. Im still recovering. We found out that the boyfriend's workplace was letting all the contract/temp workers go at the end of January.
Then yesterday my entire workplace was blindsided. They were closing our call center effective immediately, no warning. We were taken in small groups, given packets specifically for each person with what would be an explanation of our severance.
I was ecstatic AND terrified. This was the thing that most of us had knew and hoped would come. This was what we had struggled and persevered through, all the bullshit that the company had put us through since we were bought out. It had come and we weren't prepared. I was excited and happy with the information I saw in my packet. Three weeks severance for every full year worked. We would be considered to still be active employees with benefits until mid March and then get the remainder of our severance without benefits after that.
I got back to my desk and we were already locked out of our computers. I gathered the few meager personal items I still had at my desk so I would not have to make an appointment to come back. I wasnt sad or upset..until people started coming by to hug me. Thats when I got teary. We were blindsided and this was the last time I would see some of these people again. I was going to miss my coworkers. I have quite a few of them on facebook now though. We were told we would be contacted to come in to sign our severance packages around the beginning of March. I dont understand that part but ok. I did get the part of I cant apply for unemployment until after mid March as we are still considered active until then. I know this is better than what some people get when they lose their job. I am grateful for it.
I came home in a daze. I called my boyfriend to let him know I was ok. I texted him when the news broke. I called my Dad because, well, I needed my Dad. Mom wasnt home yet so I had to call back later. I came home and just tried to take it all in. I looked over my paperwork. I started to think of all the cool things I could do now. Dye my hair blue! I could finish my SCA projects, I could travel!
Then I started getting messages. Messages to sit back and relax and that I have earned a break. Messages reminding me how horrid my job had become, so bad I was on anti-anxiety medication just to deal with it. I had messages saying I needed to get looking for a job asap. I had messages reminding me I have a house and cats. I was reminded that the boyfriend would soon be out of work. I was told that I needed to be careful about taxes and tax brackets and other things. I had a panic attack in the late hours. I couldnt fall asleep until 3 or 4 am today. I had nightmares that I couldnt find a job. That I lost all my close friends.
I do plan on taking a few weeks and chilling. I do have my resume updated already from when I applied for jobs this last summer. I've told the boyfriend he needs to update his. I have plans to go see some folk and family and get away for a little bit. I am going to refill my Xanax while I still have insurance. I started making lists.
Sink or swim. Let's see if I can put some of the homesteading knowledge into actual application.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
OK OK you win....
Much love!
Update- That import took all of like 2 minutes, if that! Ya know some days I love technology.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Motherhood envy
In my most beautiful, most heartbreaking dreams I have a gaggle of children who call me Mom. I help with homework, I take them to the forest to hike, I sew them SCA garb. I get into fights with them, Im exhausted by them. I both love and bitterly hate these dreams. I turn 36 soon and have no children of my own, and it is not something that I've chosen for myself. Mother's Day is approaching quickly and it fills me with sadness and reminds me there is a part of my heart that still isnt filled. Like every year, I will call my own mom and wish her a happy day and tell her I love her and then I throw myself into something, anything that will take my mind off it. I do not go out in public because it never fails that some person wishes me a Happy Mother's Day or asks me what my kids have done for me. Truthful responses always leave the questioner feeling awkward and, if Im lucky, they accept it and dont ask anything else. Im not always lucky.
Tonight, the poor guy at the grocery store said it and I put a smile on my face and laughed it off in a socially acceptable way. That smile stayed plastered on my face until I sat down in the car and then I bawled. It wasn't anyone's fault, he was trying to be nice. It isnt my fault, I didn't ask to have PCOS which comes with a slew of problems with fertility. I just lost the genetic lottery. Sometimes life is horribly unfair.
It does not help that people, well meaning as they are, will say things that are a slap in the face.
"Just go out there and get pregnant, women do it all the time!"
"Oh be glad you dont have kids, think of all the freedom you have!!"
"You want kids? I will let you have mine for an hour and that will change your mind!"
"You can come borrow mine anytime you want"
"You have plenty of time left to have children, plenty of people are not having them until 40 or later"
Please, for the love of the Gods, if you have a friend who suffers from fertility problems DO NOT say these phrases to them. We know you mean well but it doesn't make us feel better, most times it makes it worse. My responses are as follows: What in THE hell are you smoking?? Yes Im aware girls go and get pregnant. My goal is a family, not just a pregnancy...besides, in this day and age of STDs that is just insane...Yes, Im aware how life changes after you have kids. NO your kids arent going to change my mind about wanting to be a mother. Borrowing kids is not the same and we both know it, and finally, yes, people are having kids later in life, like wealthy professionals, rockstars and actresses (do you see a pattern here?) you also run the higher risks of things going wrong the older you get. I do not have the luxury of money for expensive fertility treatments or for adopting children from foreign countries. So no, I do not have plenty of time..and I have a lot of obstacles still. Soon I am going to have to make the decision of whether or not to do this on my own but that is a whole other story.
End of rant.
Tonight, the poor guy at the grocery store said it and I put a smile on my face and laughed it off in a socially acceptable way. That smile stayed plastered on my face until I sat down in the car and then I bawled. It wasn't anyone's fault, he was trying to be nice. It isnt my fault, I didn't ask to have PCOS which comes with a slew of problems with fertility. I just lost the genetic lottery. Sometimes life is horribly unfair.
It does not help that people, well meaning as they are, will say things that are a slap in the face.
"Just go out there and get pregnant, women do it all the time!"
"Oh be glad you dont have kids, think of all the freedom you have!!"
"You want kids? I will let you have mine for an hour and that will change your mind!"
"You can come borrow mine anytime you want"
"You have plenty of time left to have children, plenty of people are not having them until 40 or later"
Please, for the love of the Gods, if you have a friend who suffers from fertility problems DO NOT say these phrases to them. We know you mean well but it doesn't make us feel better, most times it makes it worse. My responses are as follows: What in THE hell are you smoking?? Yes Im aware girls go and get pregnant. My goal is a family, not just a pregnancy...besides, in this day and age of STDs that is just insane...Yes, Im aware how life changes after you have kids. NO your kids arent going to change my mind about wanting to be a mother. Borrowing kids is not the same and we both know it, and finally, yes, people are having kids later in life, like wealthy professionals, rockstars and actresses (do you see a pattern here?) you also run the higher risks of things going wrong the older you get. I do not have the luxury of money for expensive fertility treatments or for adopting children from foreign countries. So no, I do not have plenty of time..and I have a lot of obstacles still. Soon I am going to have to make the decision of whether or not to do this on my own but that is a whole other story.
End of rant.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Bombs away!! The battle for my health.
Monday (Yesterday) marks the beginning of the countdown to my birthday, I am turning 36. It's weighing heavy on me, snicker if you will, call me a pup if you want but no matter what it is still a valid emotion for me to have. It's been a rough couple days. This last Thursday I had to go to the doctor. My migraines were increasing and my anxiety and panic attacks were spiraling out of control. There is no shame is saying "I need help" We went over the data at the doctors office. My blood pressure only goes up when Im at work or trying to deal with my anxiety. We talked about the stress and anxiety levels and how it was affecting me. We went over the facts, my job is killing me. Im chained 10 hours a day to a desk. I am only allowed to get up to go to the bathroom and for lunch. I am not allowed to even get up to go to the printer, fax or label maker. I can stand up and do some stretches but I need to be able to move and you cant move in my cubicle. That's the tip of the iceberg. She took me off the blood pressure medication and put me on anti-anxiety medication and gave me a script for migraine medication. I am trying to get another job. So far no call backs. Im on the lowest dosage and its only as needed not a daily thing..then she dropped a bomb. Im now considered diabetic. As she put it, Im barely diabetic but Im past the line so it's official.
The doctor is confident that if I can lose 15 or 20 lbs that it will reverse itself. I've lost 6 since the previous time I had to go to the doctor. I now have to do glucose checks twice a day before I eat for the next month. I am NOT on insulin. We've been trying to eat better but now it's more crucial. Im supposed to get 30-45 minutes of exercise every day. That is one of my biggest problems though. My schedule is so wonky. Eating smaller meals more frequently throughout the day is not possible, Im on the phone constantly and cant take myself off the phone to eat, I'd get in trouble. Also, said schedule is not conducive to me going walking. Im a zombie in the mornings, Im functional enough to make sure I have good choices for breakfast and lunch and then auto pilot to work. Walking at night in De Soto alone tonight proved that this town has a high ratio of jackasses. I can't do stuff in the house after work, bouncing around makes doors rattle and wakes people up. I cant afford a gym membership...yet.
On my days off life is easier, I can cook awesome meals and get moving. So I started doing what I could. Friday I did errands and a walked a bit, grocery shopped for good food. Saturday was Farmers Market and Co-op with Brenna and Sunday I went hiking with friends to Garden of the Gods then over to Cave in Rock. I get more exercise on my days off then any other time but it isn't enough. I am frustrated but hopeful. I have the support of my friends. I have banned soda from my life. I am trying to get new recipes..that dont taste like cardboard..to implement. All the things are in a sharper focus and I'm trying not to feel like a failure. As for the anti anxiety meds..I could kick myself for not getting on it sooner. I've only taken a few doses, none needed when Im not at work. It doesnt make me dopey or zombie like. I just dont have that "jaw clenching, heart racing, the world is going to explode and everything is going to go wrong" feeling constantly going on. I feel like I can breathe and I can cope and it doesnt make me feel all warm and fuzzy either. I was scared it would. I dont want a pill for that. I want my life to give me the warm fuzzies.
So here is to getting back on track!
The doctor is confident that if I can lose 15 or 20 lbs that it will reverse itself. I've lost 6 since the previous time I had to go to the doctor. I now have to do glucose checks twice a day before I eat for the next month. I am NOT on insulin. We've been trying to eat better but now it's more crucial. Im supposed to get 30-45 minutes of exercise every day. That is one of my biggest problems though. My schedule is so wonky. Eating smaller meals more frequently throughout the day is not possible, Im on the phone constantly and cant take myself off the phone to eat, I'd get in trouble. Also, said schedule is not conducive to me going walking. Im a zombie in the mornings, Im functional enough to make sure I have good choices for breakfast and lunch and then auto pilot to work. Walking at night in De Soto alone tonight proved that this town has a high ratio of jackasses. I can't do stuff in the house after work, bouncing around makes doors rattle and wakes people up. I cant afford a gym membership...yet.
On my days off life is easier, I can cook awesome meals and get moving. So I started doing what I could. Friday I did errands and a walked a bit, grocery shopped for good food. Saturday was Farmers Market and Co-op with Brenna and Sunday I went hiking with friends to Garden of the Gods then over to Cave in Rock. I get more exercise on my days off then any other time but it isn't enough. I am frustrated but hopeful. I have the support of my friends. I have banned soda from my life. I am trying to get new recipes..that dont taste like cardboard..to implement. All the things are in a sharper focus and I'm trying not to feel like a failure. As for the anti anxiety meds..I could kick myself for not getting on it sooner. I've only taken a few doses, none needed when Im not at work. It doesnt make me dopey or zombie like. I just dont have that "jaw clenching, heart racing, the world is going to explode and everything is going to go wrong" feeling constantly going on. I feel like I can breathe and I can cope and it doesnt make me feel all warm and fuzzy either. I was scared it would. I dont want a pill for that. I want my life to give me the warm fuzzies.
So here is to getting back on track!
Friday, April 4, 2014
Tea time
I mentioned in my last post about Emily(Mila) a friend of mine who came from out of state to visit recently. I met her at Dagorhir's Ragnarok last June. What started out as a Rag crush blossomed into a great friendship and she has brought something back into my life that I have been missing and I must tell you about it. No Im not getting paid to do this either.
Tea.
Yes, I said tea. Not the crappy tea I grew up with.. Lipton teabags made "southern sweet" by almost 2 cups of sugar to a gallon (and that is a mild version of it, in Mississippi they use more I found out!) Not even the better tasting Twinings teas that I had fallen in love with years ago but for one reason or another had quit having. No this was beautiful tea, loose leaf and delectable. She sent me a care package that soothed my battered soul, calmed my nerves and fortified me.
It helps that she works in a tea shop...no not Teavana. Churchill's Fine Teas is based in Cincinnati, OH and they have an amazing selection, absolutely phenomenal tasting teas. How phenomenal you might ask? So phenomenal that when she knew she was coming to Southern Illinois she offered to bring orders with her for folks attending Byzantium Opener. They just had to place the orders in time. They jumped all over it. She has really made a name for herself as "The Tea Lady" My friends and family are addicted. I do invite you to stop over there online and see what they are about. OR better yet, if you can go in person I encourage it.(I haven't been able to myself but it is on the list of things to do this year!) Did I mention they have a flat rate shipping!
So what am I drinking? I have a couple different favorites. Hot Cincinnati Spice Black was my Winter season go to but I just fell in love with a Victorian Rose blend she brought along with White Lilac. Lilacs are my absolute favorite flowers and they have such a short span of time that they are in season so I forsee me drinking this often. Brandon loves the Creme Brulee Black, Walley is using the Kama Sutra Chai to make a batch of his heavenly mead. Their Serene Blend is used housewide when we want to relax or for those nights when our brains just wont let us sleep. They have almost 256 blends and they can make up something for you. So yeah, guess what a lot of my gift giving is probably going to involve.
This has been keeping me sane at work lately
Just a small fraction of the awesomeness...they have over 256 blends!!
But really, let me get back to the point now. I stopped taking the time to make tea. There is a calming down that comes with properly preparing tea. Getting the kettle set and going. Measuring into my tea pot or infuser. Pouring the tea and just sitting down and enjoying a cup or mug. Tea makes you stop for a moment and enjoy what is in front of you. Something Im sure we all agree we need to do more.
Storms brewin'
Today is Thursday, Thor's day, and it is shaping up to be just as fierce as he is. Storms have broken out all over. I hear it's been bad in St. Louis but so far my friends checking in are alright. We are doing fine as well. I have a deep love of storms, I like to be out in them and if I cant be in them I like to watch them through the windows. One of the few perks of growing up in Central Illinois is that during the daylight hours you can watch them roll in from miles away. It can be truly breathtaking. Sadly I worked today and my desk is no where near the windows in order for me to watch but I immensely enjoyed the shaking from booming thunder. I did have the opportunity to make it home in time for another storm to come through once I got home. My windows are cracked open. My room smells of lovely rain and damp earth.
So what else have I been doing? At the beginning of March I took a week's vacation and went to an SCA event called Gulf Wars down in Lumberton, MS. I wanted to at least make War event this year and with the way work is (and also money) I don't know if I will be able to make Pennsic this year. I had a blast. Sorry, not a lot of pictures, I only had my phone on me. I was lucky enough to catch a ride with some camp mates and went to New Orleans in the middle of that week. I was there about 5 hours, I had a great time and the most amazing food. I did not get to go to the Cafe Du Monde and I did not have beignets. So I WILL be going back. The amtrak station here is part of the route to New Orleans, I have a few plans. I had a good time, took some classes one for a health drink called "fire cider" and the other was a henna class. Mainly I passed out water to fighters on the field, hung out with friends in camp and relaxed.
Outside of my vacation? The weekend after St. Patrick's Day. My friend Mila, from Cincinnati came to visit and stay with me while she came in for a local Dagorhir event, Byzantium Opener. She is quite a lovely soul, an inspiration to be around and just plain fun. When she found out I am only 2 hours from St. Louis she said she would love to go see the Arch and to say she had lunch in St. Louis. "Sure!" I said, and off we went the next day. We went to a place called The Kitchen Sink on the suggestion of one of her friends. We were not disappointed. Total foodgasm! We then decided to stop at the St. Louis Cathedral Basilica, and while I am no longer catholic I had a very emotional response to the beauty of the place and when we found out they were performing an organ liturgical for the Lenten season we both wanted to stay. I do have a lot of pictures from this trip I will post when I get them uploaded.
Outside of that? Work, which is not fun. Drama, which is not fun, nor will I get into it on here. Let it stay a part of March, in the past. April is soggy but has a lot of hope. I have been bad and not started any seedlings but it is on the books for this weekend. I was hoping yardwork would also be but my front yard is flooding so it is unlikely. Yeah for rainy weekends inside?? Maybe when I get the seedlings done I can work on some SCA crafts!! Oh and picture uploading.
So what else have I been doing? At the beginning of March I took a week's vacation and went to an SCA event called Gulf Wars down in Lumberton, MS. I wanted to at least make War event this year and with the way work is (and also money) I don't know if I will be able to make Pennsic this year. I had a blast. Sorry, not a lot of pictures, I only had my phone on me. I was lucky enough to catch a ride with some camp mates and went to New Orleans in the middle of that week. I was there about 5 hours, I had a great time and the most amazing food. I did not get to go to the Cafe Du Monde and I did not have beignets. So I WILL be going back. The amtrak station here is part of the route to New Orleans, I have a few plans. I had a good time, took some classes one for a health drink called "fire cider" and the other was a henna class. Mainly I passed out water to fighters on the field, hung out with friends in camp and relaxed.
Outside of my vacation? The weekend after St. Patrick's Day. My friend Mila, from Cincinnati came to visit and stay with me while she came in for a local Dagorhir event, Byzantium Opener. She is quite a lovely soul, an inspiration to be around and just plain fun. When she found out I am only 2 hours from St. Louis she said she would love to go see the Arch and to say she had lunch in St. Louis. "Sure!" I said, and off we went the next day. We went to a place called The Kitchen Sink on the suggestion of one of her friends. We were not disappointed. Total foodgasm! We then decided to stop at the St. Louis Cathedral Basilica, and while I am no longer catholic I had a very emotional response to the beauty of the place and when we found out they were performing an organ liturgical for the Lenten season we both wanted to stay. I do have a lot of pictures from this trip I will post when I get them uploaded.
Outside of that? Work, which is not fun. Drama, which is not fun, nor will I get into it on here. Let it stay a part of March, in the past. April is soggy but has a lot of hope. I have been bad and not started any seedlings but it is on the books for this weekend. I was hoping yardwork would also be but my front yard is flooding so it is unlikely. Yeah for rainy weekends inside?? Maybe when I get the seedlings done I can work on some SCA crafts!! Oh and picture uploading.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
January's chill
January was a hard month. It was full of stress, worry and death. The first week of January was filled with migraines and the polar vortex.Then, because a selfish man I didn't even know was a control freak, I almost lost a good friend. She, unfortunately, lost her good friend to said asshole. She is recovering slowly and I thank the Gods and pray that they lend her strength as her body heals. He was found dead I later found out. I spent a weekend in Lexington with her but felt pulled to come back home abruptly. We left Lexington that Sunday at 2am, got home at 7am got unpacked and went to bed. I got a call from my mother just after 8am telling me my grandmother had passed away. The rest of the weeks that belonged to January were a blur. We laid my grandmother to rest and that same day my great aunt died and my cat tried to explode (abscess ruptured) I bounced back and forth to Decatur a few times. Made an SCA event and then was massively sick and missed a week of work. Between migraines, sickness and funeral days I worked maybe a total of 5 days in January. I have used up all my personal and sick time for the year. I didn't get paid for one week because my Human Resources person is an idiot. Yeah, January was not good.
Since her passing I have been struggling with people giving me their condolences on my grandmother. We did not have a good relationship and that's putting it mildly. She lived just down the street from me until I moved out when I was 19. She was verbally abusive and mean to me for most of my childhood and adolescent years. Nothing I ever did was right, I was just like my father (my dad was from the wrong side of the tracks), I was fat (which is funny, I didn't actually get fat until mid 20s), I strange, etc. Once, when I was 8, my mother sent me down to her to see if she would want to donate money for a Jump for Heart fundraiser my school was doing. I had been avoiding doing it and mom couldn't understand why. I went down there and my grandmother wrote out a check laid it on the table and told me "I knew you'd only come down here for money" I looked at her, looked at the check and walked out the door without it. I had tears running down an angry face when I got home. I told my mother what happened and I told her I would never willingly go down there again. My mother was appalled but after that never asked me to go down there unless it was a holiday when all the family gathered there.
As I got older I had tried to avoid her as much as possible. I was polite and thankful to her for any gifts I received from her, I did my best to be respectful because she was my mom's mother and I was taught to respect my elders. But respect is not love and that was something I never felt from her either. The last straw was when I was 17. My best friends had come to help me with my hair and makeup for pictures and we wanted to go show my mom. She and my other aunts were all down having coffee with grandmother so we all went down. My mom and aunts loved it, without batting an eye she looked at me and told me I looked like a tacky hussy. My friends were shocked, I was hurt. My gloves came off and I asked her why she always had to be a bitch to me. When she turned to my mother to ask what she was going to do about it, my mother had my back and stood up for me. I was done being polite and respectful to a woman who was bitter and hurtful. I would no longer take any crap from her. When I moved out I rarely saw her except for those family holidays. She mentioned a few times she wanted to visit but I had cats and that aggravated her breathing problems. I never outright invited her.
I understood to a point that part of her was very damaged. She lost my Grandpa to cancer when I was around 3. I have few memories of him but they are good and the feeling of love from those memories is very strong. I remember that one day he wasn't there anymore and the feeling that emptiness that accompanied it. She had lost a grandson a year or so before that. I don't have many memories of her that early other than being fascinated with her rugs in the kitchen and always being in her way. She came from a farming family, which can be rough. But there was stuff before that. For whatever reason my grandmother had chosen Cindy and Scott as her favorites, mom and Aunt Sandy got picked at constantly and had been were defended by Grandpa. The favoritism passed down to the grandchildren it seemed. My brother was spared some of the disdain as he looked "like a Curtis" I also suspect being a boy had helped also.
My grandmother was severely Catholic. In church every Sunday, wanted all of us confirmed... Catholic. She was openly and loudly disappointed when I quit CCD classes after my first communion. She was convinced that I was in a cult when I came out as a Pagan when I was 21. I point blank asked her if anyone had ever been able to get me to do something I didn't want to do. She didn't question my faith after that. As Catholic as she was, as most as my family was, they had a weird penchant for going to have their cards or tea leaves read and the entire family has seen ghosts and had premonitions. (maybe the Irish/Scots/Welsh poking through) When she found out I was starting to learn tarot she and my aunts had me do readings. I did her cards last. When I read her cards and it left her in tears. Nothing I had said was mean or hurtful but I had hit too close for comfort. It was the last time I ever read cards. While I felt she hated me most days I never wanted to harm or hurt her in any way. Seeing her cry made me sick to my stomach. I didn't want to ever do it again.
When I divorced Ryan she was stoic, if she disapproved she didn't mention it. I wasn't around much either to hear anything. I had just started dating Bill when my Uncle Scott was killed. He came up for a week to take care of me while I took care of them. It was a mess. I told him before even going in that if grandmother got pissy and out of line with him for no reason he could dish it right back, and he did. She looked at and treated him differently after that. I think she liked him because of it. In my early 30s she started treating me differently. To tell you the truth it drove me insane. She asked more questions about my life in general and would hug me and tell me how much she loved me. I didn't believe a word of it, I couldn't stand her to touch me. I kept my answers PC. I did not tell her I was bisexual, and I most certainly did not tell her I was in a triad relationship with my husband and our girlfriend, though my mom knew. When Bill and I split she said she was sorry to see him go, she had hoped he would have changed his mind about having children with me since he had kids with his previous wives. Aloof was all I could muster. I knew her health had been declining, I knew she would suffer and I hated the thought of what that would do to my mom and Aunt Sandy who still lived in town. Cindy and her kids had long ago moved to Virginia, Scott's girls were off living their own lives far away with children who needed them, my brother was bouncing around in different states and I was living in southern Illinois,. I saw her as a bitter woman and pitiful. I swore I would never be like her, she was the perfect example to me of how not to be.
Now she is gone and I still deal with her. I deal with people and family giving me condolences and telling me "your grandmother loved you". It makes me angry. It makes me want to yell back at them all the cruel and hurtful things she ever said to me. That is not love. You do not take out your bitterness and resentment on how your life has turned out on a child. That is not love. Hearing it is a constant slap in the face. My mother has never tried to force that lie upon me, not once. She bears her own burden. She loved her mother but hated her also and as the oldest was the one who helped take care of her and was there with her when she died. I am lucky to have a wonderful mother, and while Josh and I were treated differently we were equally loved. Going through her stuff my mom and aunts have allowed me to have her old canning and homesteading utensils. I had often asked my grandmother when I was younger to teach me how to do it but she refused. I gave up in my early teens. They decided that I should be given her wedding dress to make into something else. I opened the box and it smells like her, I had to put it in the craft room. My friends will help me deal with dismantling a dress that was made originally in 1950.
I shouldnt complain. My family has more to cause to complain than I do. My Aunt Sandy is giving up her home to move into the home she grew up in as a kid so that it won't be sold to someone who may sell it to a developer, the fields I grew up in are now urbanized, they are the last neighborhood in between all of it. There is so much history the family cannot let it go. They are planning to put in gardens and fruit trees like my grandpa had when he was still alive. Things she had no use for after he passed and did away with. Things I had been so interested in, part of me is angry that there is so much information lost now. She came from a farming family and seemed bound and determined to leave it all behind. When I told her my plans for urban homesteading and dreams of a smallholding she told me I was being stupid. Now I'm going to be re-establishing what she had let go.
I realize the fine line I am walking. This anger is not something I want hanging around my heart. I need to be vigilant that it doesn't make me bitter also, it's ok to be angry and upset but I cannot allow myself to become bitter. While there is no love there is grief at loss of an opportunity. The opportunity of her getting to know someone who is a good person, someone who she could have bonded with and shared history with, someone who could have loved her so much if she had not thoroughly poisoned it with her words and deed.
Since her passing I have been struggling with people giving me their condolences on my grandmother. We did not have a good relationship and that's putting it mildly. She lived just down the street from me until I moved out when I was 19. She was verbally abusive and mean to me for most of my childhood and adolescent years. Nothing I ever did was right, I was just like my father (my dad was from the wrong side of the tracks), I was fat (which is funny, I didn't actually get fat until mid 20s), I strange, etc. Once, when I was 8, my mother sent me down to her to see if she would want to donate money for a Jump for Heart fundraiser my school was doing. I had been avoiding doing it and mom couldn't understand why. I went down there and my grandmother wrote out a check laid it on the table and told me "I knew you'd only come down here for money" I looked at her, looked at the check and walked out the door without it. I had tears running down an angry face when I got home. I told my mother what happened and I told her I would never willingly go down there again. My mother was appalled but after that never asked me to go down there unless it was a holiday when all the family gathered there.
As I got older I had tried to avoid her as much as possible. I was polite and thankful to her for any gifts I received from her, I did my best to be respectful because she was my mom's mother and I was taught to respect my elders. But respect is not love and that was something I never felt from her either. The last straw was when I was 17. My best friends had come to help me with my hair and makeup for pictures and we wanted to go show my mom. She and my other aunts were all down having coffee with grandmother so we all went down. My mom and aunts loved it, without batting an eye she looked at me and told me I looked like a tacky hussy. My friends were shocked, I was hurt. My gloves came off and I asked her why she always had to be a bitch to me. When she turned to my mother to ask what she was going to do about it, my mother had my back and stood up for me. I was done being polite and respectful to a woman who was bitter and hurtful. I would no longer take any crap from her. When I moved out I rarely saw her except for those family holidays. She mentioned a few times she wanted to visit but I had cats and that aggravated her breathing problems. I never outright invited her.
I understood to a point that part of her was very damaged. She lost my Grandpa to cancer when I was around 3. I have few memories of him but they are good and the feeling of love from those memories is very strong. I remember that one day he wasn't there anymore and the feeling that emptiness that accompanied it. She had lost a grandson a year or so before that. I don't have many memories of her that early other than being fascinated with her rugs in the kitchen and always being in her way. She came from a farming family, which can be rough. But there was stuff before that. For whatever reason my grandmother had chosen Cindy and Scott as her favorites, mom and Aunt Sandy got picked at constantly and had been were defended by Grandpa. The favoritism passed down to the grandchildren it seemed. My brother was spared some of the disdain as he looked "like a Curtis" I also suspect being a boy had helped also.
My grandmother was severely Catholic. In church every Sunday, wanted all of us confirmed... Catholic. She was openly and loudly disappointed when I quit CCD classes after my first communion. She was convinced that I was in a cult when I came out as a Pagan when I was 21. I point blank asked her if anyone had ever been able to get me to do something I didn't want to do. She didn't question my faith after that. As Catholic as she was, as most as my family was, they had a weird penchant for going to have their cards or tea leaves read and the entire family has seen ghosts and had premonitions. (maybe the Irish/Scots/Welsh poking through) When she found out I was starting to learn tarot she and my aunts had me do readings. I did her cards last. When I read her cards and it left her in tears. Nothing I had said was mean or hurtful but I had hit too close for comfort. It was the last time I ever read cards. While I felt she hated me most days I never wanted to harm or hurt her in any way. Seeing her cry made me sick to my stomach. I didn't want to ever do it again.
When I divorced Ryan she was stoic, if she disapproved she didn't mention it. I wasn't around much either to hear anything. I had just started dating Bill when my Uncle Scott was killed. He came up for a week to take care of me while I took care of them. It was a mess. I told him before even going in that if grandmother got pissy and out of line with him for no reason he could dish it right back, and he did. She looked at and treated him differently after that. I think she liked him because of it. In my early 30s she started treating me differently. To tell you the truth it drove me insane. She asked more questions about my life in general and would hug me and tell me how much she loved me. I didn't believe a word of it, I couldn't stand her to touch me. I kept my answers PC. I did not tell her I was bisexual, and I most certainly did not tell her I was in a triad relationship with my husband and our girlfriend, though my mom knew. When Bill and I split she said she was sorry to see him go, she had hoped he would have changed his mind about having children with me since he had kids with his previous wives. Aloof was all I could muster. I knew her health had been declining, I knew she would suffer and I hated the thought of what that would do to my mom and Aunt Sandy who still lived in town. Cindy and her kids had long ago moved to Virginia, Scott's girls were off living their own lives far away with children who needed them, my brother was bouncing around in different states and I was living in southern Illinois,. I saw her as a bitter woman and pitiful. I swore I would never be like her, she was the perfect example to me of how not to be.
Now she is gone and I still deal with her. I deal with people and family giving me condolences and telling me "your grandmother loved you". It makes me angry. It makes me want to yell back at them all the cruel and hurtful things she ever said to me. That is not love. You do not take out your bitterness and resentment on how your life has turned out on a child. That is not love. Hearing it is a constant slap in the face. My mother has never tried to force that lie upon me, not once. She bears her own burden. She loved her mother but hated her also and as the oldest was the one who helped take care of her and was there with her when she died. I am lucky to have a wonderful mother, and while Josh and I were treated differently we were equally loved. Going through her stuff my mom and aunts have allowed me to have her old canning and homesteading utensils. I had often asked my grandmother when I was younger to teach me how to do it but she refused. I gave up in my early teens. They decided that I should be given her wedding dress to make into something else. I opened the box and it smells like her, I had to put it in the craft room. My friends will help me deal with dismantling a dress that was made originally in 1950.
I shouldnt complain. My family has more to cause to complain than I do. My Aunt Sandy is giving up her home to move into the home she grew up in as a kid so that it won't be sold to someone who may sell it to a developer, the fields I grew up in are now urbanized, they are the last neighborhood in between all of it. There is so much history the family cannot let it go. They are planning to put in gardens and fruit trees like my grandpa had when he was still alive. Things she had no use for after he passed and did away with. Things I had been so interested in, part of me is angry that there is so much information lost now. She came from a farming family and seemed bound and determined to leave it all behind. When I told her my plans for urban homesteading and dreams of a smallholding she told me I was being stupid. Now I'm going to be re-establishing what she had let go.
I realize the fine line I am walking. This anger is not something I want hanging around my heart. I need to be vigilant that it doesn't make me bitter also, it's ok to be angry and upset but I cannot allow myself to become bitter. While there is no love there is grief at loss of an opportunity. The opportunity of her getting to know someone who is a good person, someone who she could have bonded with and shared history with, someone who could have loved her so much if she had not thoroughly poisoned it with her words and deed.
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