The road I'm on

It's one of those cold chilly nights. I don't have anything to do really except for lay back and enjoy the cold air coming in from the open window by my bed. Autumn has always been a time for introspection, for healing my soul and for gathering my thoughts in preparation for the new year.

I admit I feel stuck waiting for my life to start its next chapter, Brandon moving in. At times it feels like I cannot make any plans until he's here. I fear that the lifestyle that I want to live, one of self sufficiency, urban homesteading and of intentional community will not suit him. The plans in my head are working under the assumption that he is on board 100 percent.

I want to get to a place where I can grow my own food from heirloom plants. To be able to avoid GMO products. To be able to raise the animals that produce the food for my table or at least know that they being raised without excessive hormones or antibiotics and under proper conditions. To be self sustainable is many areas as possible. I want to live in a place where me, my friends and other like minded folk and our children will be able to live healthy ,honorable and productive lives.

When I was your age...

I found myself uttering this phrase a week or so ago to a relatively new friend. I'm 15 years older than him..technically I'm old enough to be his mother *cringe*. But I digress... The phrase popped out of my mouth because I was explaining that life isn't always how we expect it to be. How little did I know my words to Volund would resonate so loudly.

This month of September has been a rough one. Hell recently, in the last 2 weeks, there were 3 deaths, my uncle, my friend's uncle and another friend's grandmother. Only the grandmother was expected. Nonetheless all of it sucked. I ache for my family scattered across the states and the fact that I couldn't be anywhere I felt I needed to be. I tell myself that October will be better. Fall is descending on Southern Illinois and the woods and forests are starting to change and I am looking forward to October, traditionally it's been my favorite month. I flourish in this cooler weather.

Even though September has been a little rough it wasn't all bad, I got to travel to western Missouri and see old friends and make new ones. I was a bridesmaid for one of my oldest friends from elementary school. My cousin has had a baby. Life continues to go on. Things in my life have actually been turning around this year. I've started getting the house fixed up. I hope to have it ready to put on the market in about two years. The garden was mainly Brenna's doing this year. It has produced pretty good considering we had another grass war. I hope to have a bigger hand in it next season.  I just haven't been home and with my current schedule finding a good time to be out there has been challenging. My boyfriend is moving here from Pennsylvania after Thanksgiving. I'm excited and scared. Right now I already have a full house, I have an extra 2 people emergency crashing on my living room floor, it won't be forever, it hasn't been bad at all, I'm just looking forward to getting back to something less crowded.

In a week I will head north to visit with my dagorhir unit. The weekend after that I hope to be able to go visit with Phelan from A Homesteading Neophyte. If the bank account allows. The rest of the month is up in the air. Wherever the winds blow me.

I spent about 7 hours at the St. Louis Zoo celebrating my niece's 2nd birthday. I saw lions and tigers, the bear was hiding...Friends came from from the surrounding states for what's basically a family reunion. In Southern Illinois I have no blood family. I moved down here because of love, 3 hours from the flat lands and miles of corn and beans that is Decatur, Illinois. Over the course of 7 years they became my family, my pack.  I have a small contingency of friends from Decatur that I've held on to. I consider them family as well. All of them helped me survive my divorce, lended a hand when stuff broke and have supported me in my quest to reconnect with myself. They are sometimes the reason I don't have an assault charge ;)

A few of my friends now have children of their own, another niece and 2 nephews (one I get to finally meet at the end of the month!) have come into my life. I love them dearly and relish my role as an Auntie. We are spread out now, throughout a few states even, so when we have an opportunity to get together we all try to take it, not everyone could but it was a good turnout. It was hot, I was sweaty, despite all of this I had a blast. It's Labor Day weekend, a weekend normally marked by sadness in my life. My uncle was killed during this weekend 7 years ago. There was no sadness, only a resoluteness to make sure that I took the time to stop these people and hug them, to look them in the eye and tell them "I love you" and hope to Gods they realize how much I mean it because they are my family.

Endings and beginnings

I haven't written in a while and while talking to my mom I think I found the root of it, silly as it may seem to some.  "There is too much of your old life there, you need to start new." So after much thought I've decided to stop writing here. I will keep it up for a while because I do know people still use it as a resource but this will be my last post here. After much discussion within my brain I've decided to create Heathen In the Woods. I will eventually copy my reading list and whatnot over to there but the rest I'm leaving behind. I thank everyone who has supported me and hope that the switch isn't too much of a pain in the tuckus.

~With love,
Stephanie


10/15/14
Update
I scrapped that blog and imported the posts to here. Enjoy!

Sacrifice

When you set out on a path with certain goals in mind you have a set course in mind.  If you're smart you know that the path may not take you exactly the way you envisioned it and sometimes where you end up is not where you planned on at all.  I've written before that I wanted a family of my own, to be a mother. I left a marriage to fulfill this dream. In the 3 years since then I have had relationships and even fallen in love but it's nothing that has brought me closer to where I want to be. I've had to walk away from those relationships with a sad heart, and now Im walking away from someone who loves me, who I love too, because some differences cannot be overcome. Bill taught me that the hard way, and I will not allow myself to enter into a battle I cannot win. We both new that it would come to an end we just didn't expect to end up in love.  The next few months will be spent in the garden in introspection while I heal up. Sometimes going after what you really want, whether it's a self sufficient home grown life or a family life, requires sacrifice.

Fridays

Since I have this new 10 hr/day work schedule I get Friday, Saturday and Sundays off.  Fridays are my work and errand days. I try to get up a little earlier and tackle things (laundry, house cleaning, grocery shopping, etc); sometimes it works, sometimes not so much. This Friday will be busy as Sister Zim, Brenna and I are supposed to be working in the garden at various times throughout the day. I'm quite looking forward to it. It seems that once again I'm not able to get my gardens in before mid-May...maybe next year. Brenna and another friend rented a heavy duty tiller to run through and bust it up but it was still a little too damp. Tomorrow Im taking the smaller one through, we'll mark out paths, lay down some fabric in areas and  if all goes well we will do some planting of the seedlings.

But this Friday is going to be a little different. Im only putting part of a day's work in as I have friends picking me up and we are going out to an SCA event in Elizabethtown, KY til Sunday. I'm excited as it will be the first time trying out the new tent! Ok, let's be honest, I'm stoked because it's an SCA event and I'm going out of state for it. Wish me luck!

Spring is broken

Spring has been wonky as you all know. Southern Illinois is in the middle of deciding whether it wants to be summer already or go back to winter.  As usual the backyard is not dried out.  Brenna, Sister Zim and I have some seedlings started but the broccoli and cauliflower keep dying and this week I forgot to shut the light box off and fried some tomato seedlings...Some of the larger potted tomatoes held there own and the eggplants are now doing nicely though!!..the peppers aren't germinating but the seed was older so who knows. I spent an hour after work starting more tomatoes and cayenne.

Work is doing ok, Im on a different shift working 10 hour days now.  Its nice to only work 4 days a week. I now have entire weekends off. The downside is I dont get home until almost 11pm, I dont crash until like 1 or 3 (still working out the kinds there) and am trying to find a balance in all of it. This Friday we were supposed to till the garden but its going to rain again. Brenna and I are going to stake the garden and tarp it in hopes of keeping it dry enough so that when it stops raining Saturday we can till, keep your fingers crossed. Friday while Im stuck indoors I will be getting planters set up for some container gardening. At least some things will get done on Friday.