April was a disaster

April was so full of promise, I was getting ready to pay off bills, some of them 2 years ahead of time. I was gearing up for the garden, I was looking happily at the future and with hope. Then on the 14th this happened:

A 16 year old ran an stop sign and totalled my car.

Tomorrow will mark 3 weeks since my accident, the bruises are gone. I have a screwed up right shoulder and have to go to PT twice a week for most of May. Right now I am in Michigan visiting friends and trying not to be frustrated. I've been frustrated and angry since the wreck. All my plans have had to be altered. But this trip was not going to be one of them. I borrowed the boyfriend's car and went. This kid has wrecked more than just my car. Things I worked so hard for and towards. One of my best friends and I had put a lot of time into this car, She was a great car and would easily lasted another 100,000 miles. I cant work in my garden, which was set to help offset the burden of my not working. Yeah Im still on my severance package but that runs out in August, I'm still going back to school and I still have 6 months of unemployment to tap but I was saving that for the first semester of school.

I need to find a new car. I was still paying on her as she was part of my bankruptcy repayment. I was THIS  close to paying it off 2 years ahead of time. Seriously, the check was scheduled to clear into my account on the 17th and he hit me the 14th. So now that is all up in the air. It will all work out, just not as I planned. Deep down somewhere I know this but when I cant even pick up a goddamn laundry basket with both hands, or a heavy purse with my right arm it's extremely hard to remember this. My  anxiety and panic attacks have flared back up, especially when I am a passenger in the car now. Im tired of having to make sure my pain meds and anti anxiety meds are always on me.

So now it's May, the hardest month in my life anymore. Mother's Day and my 37th birthday are quickly coming. Anyone who's paid attention to my blog know I struggle through this, I feel no need to hash it out again. I pray to the Gods to help me as I heal, to give me strength to aid me in my perseverance and to help me become useful again. In this moment I feel so utterly useless, weak and unworthy.

Om nom nom

The thaw has begun in Southern Illinois. Everything is wet and muddy. There are still bits of ice and piles of snow here and there, especially where snowplows have created mounds of it but it got up to 47° today and it's just going up from there! Im just happy to not feel so achey and that I dont have to drive on ice!

I've been doing a lot of house cleaning and trying out new recipes. I've been trying really hard not to eat out, which is easier to do when you don't leave the house as much. But I also wanted to increase my cooking repertoire. With my first ex hubby all he wanted to eat was Hamburger Helper, pizza and canned ravioli. To this day even thinking of it can make me nauseous. The second was a great cook but every time I tried to cook on my own he would butt in and then take over. The boyfriend did this several times and I just stopped trying. After the call center closed I put my foot down. I wanted to cook and eat good food.

 Most times I forget to take pictures of the food but I've made some pretty tasty things lately. These are recipes out of Thug Kitchen's Cookbook which Walley picked up. Now, I will warn you, their stuff is meat and dairy free but these have passed Walley and the boyfriend's taste testing with flying colors and they are now going to be on regular rotation as they were originally written and also tweaked for when we are feeling at bit more like carnivores ☺ I made the stuffed peppers below with beef broth instead of veggie, because I had it on hand already.

Barley stuffed peppers

Sweet Corn and Green Chile Baked Flautas

Nailed it!

These flautas were a big hit. I've made them twice now. First time I stuck to the recipe. Second time around found us adding spiced ground beef and cheese. Next time we will forgo the cheese. We took it to a table top game night and they went quick. and while they're definitely able to go into the fridge if you have leftovers you will want to reheat them in a cast iron skillet so that the tortilla gets crisp again

March 1st update

In two weeks I will be officially unemployed. I cannot believe its been 6 weeks already. Time has flown so fast that I'm sort of sick to my stomach. I miss having a set schedule and routine. I am desperately trying to get back on one. I am eating healthier, and a lot of housework is getting done in a more timely manner. I am enjoying this somewhat domestic phase I've fallen in to. Some days I really wish I could just be a Stay-at-home Stephie™

Meal planning is going well. We have only been solidly planning dinners, our breakfast and lunches are usually left overs from the night before because we sometimes don't wake up until noon. (another reason I want back on a schedule) We went off track this week as one of my best friends and his girlfriend came to visit. We went out to eat a lot this week but it was well worth it. Michigan is so far away from Southern Illinois. I am planning to take a week or so up to visit them. Probably in April but not sure. I am quite excited about it. 

There is another thing I am excited about. I am going back to school! Since I'm considered a displaced worker there is a program offered to me. Pick an approved degree or certificate program from a list the program offers and they pay for it. Tuition, books and mileage. If I had kids they would help with childcare (too bad I don't) I'm happy and scared. I haven't been in school for almost 18 years. I've got things narrowed down to a couple options but it really looks like Medical Transcription, medical secretary, etc. I will start this Fall as there is too much this summer that I am supposed to do, and there is also the garden. Cannot wait for all this snow to go away!!

Plotting 2015

It's that time of year again!! Seed catalogs are coming in but Brenna and I have a seed stash and we went through it last night. We talked with a lot of hope that this year's garden will be better. We discussed what worked well, what didn't. We also discussed the fact that I'm not working right now and with current plans should be home more to be the active force in the garden. We only have a few things that will have to be bought at the store like onion sets, lettuce seed, potatoes, etc. I feel like we are getting off on the right foot. I also think there is way too much squash in this garden but we shall see.

Not pictured....the basket I left in the living room, doh!

Brenna is my go to model

Bombs away

So yes, I know I have been away for a bit. Life has been crazy and I just hadnt taken the time to sit down and write about it. So let's bring everyone up to speed. Through October to New Years

Broke up with boyfriend, got back with boyfriend though he was no longer living with me when we got back together.

Got taken to the ballet which was wonderful.

Later that night while we slept, people entered our house (front door had not latched properly and had come open during the night) and stole stuff of me and awesome roomie Walley, not a lot of stuff but expensive stuff and my wallet. Nothing has been recovered as of this date.

Boyfriend moved back in earlier than planned due to the burglary.

Celebrated Christmas with family and New Years with friends. In the grand tradition I got massively sick with a respiratory illness that knocked me on my ass for almost a week. Im still recovering. We found out that the boyfriend's workplace was letting all the contract/temp workers go at the end of January.

Then yesterday my entire workplace was blindsided. They were closing our call center effective immediately, no warning.  We were taken in small groups, given packets specifically for each person with what would be an explanation of our severance.

I was ecstatic AND terrified. This was the thing that most of us had knew and hoped would come. This was what we had struggled and persevered through, all the bullshit that the company had put us through since we were bought out.  It had come and we weren't prepared. I was excited and happy with the information I saw in my packet. Three weeks severance for every full year worked. We would be considered to still be active employees with benefits until mid March and then get the remainder of our severance without benefits after that.

I got back to my desk and we were already locked out of our computers. I gathered the few meager personal items I still had at my desk so I would not have to make an appointment to come back. I wasnt sad or upset..until people started coming by to hug me. Thats when I got teary. We were blindsided and this was the last time I would see some of these people again. I was going to miss my coworkers. I have quite a few of them on facebook now though. We were told we would be contacted to come in to sign our severance packages around the beginning of March. I dont understand that part but ok. I did get the part of I cant apply for unemployment until after mid March as we are still considered active until then. I know this is better than what some people get when they lose their job. I am grateful for it.

I came home in a daze. I called my boyfriend to let him know I was ok. I texted him when the news broke. I called my Dad because, well, I needed my Dad. Mom wasnt home yet so I had to call back later. I came home and just tried to take it all in. I looked over my paperwork. I started to think of all the cool things I could do now. Dye my hair blue! I could finish my SCA projects, I could travel!

Then I started getting messages. Messages to sit back and relax and that I have earned a break. Messages reminding me how horrid my job had become, so bad I was on anti-anxiety medication just to deal with it. I had messages saying I needed to get looking for a job asap. I had messages reminding me I have a house and cats. I was reminded that the boyfriend would soon be out of work. I was told that I needed to be careful about taxes and tax brackets and other things.  I had a panic attack in the late hours. I couldnt fall asleep until 3 or 4 am today. I had nightmares that I couldnt find a job. That I lost all my close friends.

I do plan on taking a few weeks and chilling. I do have my resume updated already from when I applied for jobs this last summer. I've told the boyfriend he needs to update his. I have plans to go see some folk and family and get away for a little bit. I am going to refill my Xanax while I still have insurance. I started making lists.

Sink or swim. Let's see if I can put some of the homesteading knowledge into actual application.

OK OK you win....

I will move my posts from Heathen In the Woods to here eventually. Thank you to those who reached out to me to remind me that it's ok to take a break, but not to give up. Thank you also for the swift kick to the rump with the reminder that maybe, just *maybe* I'd be happier getting back on my path.

Much love!

Update- That import took all of like 2 minutes, if that! Ya know some days I love technology.

Motherhood envy

In my most beautiful, most heartbreaking dreams I have a gaggle of children who call me Mom. I help with homework, I take them to the forest to hike, I sew them SCA garb. I get into fights with them, Im exhausted by them. I both love and bitterly hate these dreams. I turn 36 soon and have no children of my own, and it is not something that I've chosen for myself. Mother's Day is approaching quickly and it fills me with sadness and reminds me there is a part of my heart that still isnt filled. Like every year, I will call my own mom and wish her a happy day and tell her I love her and then I throw myself into something, anything that will take my mind off it. I do not go out in public because it never fails that some person wishes me a Happy Mother's Day or asks me what my kids have done for me. Truthful responses always leave the questioner feeling awkward and, if Im lucky, they accept it and dont ask anything else. Im not always lucky.

Tonight, the poor guy at the grocery store said it and I put a smile on my face and laughed it off in a socially acceptable way. That smile stayed plastered on my face until I sat down in the car and then I bawled. It wasn't anyone's fault, he was trying to be nice. It isnt my fault, I didn't ask to have PCOS which comes with a slew of problems with fertility. I just lost the genetic lottery. Sometimes life is horribly unfair.

It does not help that people, well meaning as they are, will say things that are a slap in the face.
"Just go out there and get pregnant, women do it all the time!"

"Oh be glad you dont have kids, think of all the freedom you have!!"

"You want kids? I will let you have mine for an hour and that will change your mind!"

"You can come borrow mine anytime you want"

"You have plenty of time left to have children, plenty of people are not having them until 40 or later"

Please, for the love of the Gods, if you have a friend who suffers from fertility problems DO NOT say these phrases to them. We know you mean well but it doesn't make us feel better, most times it makes it worse. My responses are as follows: What in THE hell are you smoking?? Yes Im aware girls go and get pregnant. My goal is a family, not just a pregnancy...besides, in this day and age of STDs that is just insane...Yes, Im aware how life changes after you have kids. NO your kids arent going to change my mind about wanting to be a mother.  Borrowing kids is not the same and we both know it, and finally, yes, people are having kids later in life, like wealthy professionals, rockstars and actresses (do you see a pattern here?) you also run the higher risks of things going wrong the older you get. I do not have the luxury of money for expensive fertility treatments or for adopting children from foreign countries. So no, I do not have plenty of time..and I have a lot of obstacles still.  Soon I am going to have to make the decision of whether or not to do this on my own but that is a whole other story.

End of rant.